Archive for August, 2007

…bebel time..

Thursday, August 16th, 2007

I have made a promise to myself the other day that today,i will come up with a decision..i’ve been putting off doing that for a while and now i couldnt even remember decison about what?hehe..what was the question again..i found me asking myself..

Now that several aspects of my life has been improving,and yet i felt empty..i have no concrete sense of self anymore..I am at the state of no identity to base my day to day goals,and long term plan..

i am that humpty dumpty who sat on a wall..so i need to decide on which one of the two sides i want to slid off to..before i’m too tired and fall,

to which all the king’s men and all the king horses couldn’t put me back together again..

( i took several minute pause)

Wait,i’m no humpty dumpty who sat on a wall..i am the humpty dumpty who has already fallen and broke to pieces..

how do i pick up ‘me’ again? or Do i want to pick ‘me’ up again?

oh..now i remember what the decision i need to make is all about..

I need to establish a ‘want’ to get up again..so i need to have reason to ‘want’..

I cant seem to find the reason

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online personality quiz

Tuesday, August 14th, 2007

******* The Analysis Starts Here *******


For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer’s attitude toward their own world and relationship to things in his or her own space.  If the inputted data was correct Marlina has left lots of white space on the left side of the paper. Marlina fills up the rest of the page in a normal fashion. If this is true, then Marlina has  a healthy relationship to the past and is ready to move on. The right side of the page represents the future and Marlina is ready and willing to get started living now and planning for the future.  Marlina would like to leave the past behind and move on.


Marlina has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. She lets new people into her circle of friends. She uses her imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.


Marlina is selective when picking friends. She does not trust everyone. She has a select group of people that are truly close to her, usually two or three. She is careful when choosing her inner circle of friends.


Marlina is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth.  This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts.  she finds joy in anticipation and planning.  Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn’t necessarily mean things go as planned.  Marlina basically feels good about herself.  She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success.  She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to.  However, she sets her goals using practicality– not too "out of reach".  She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals.  A good esteem is one key to a happy life.  Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.


In reference to Marlina’s mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Marlina slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project. She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Marlina can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.


Marlina will be candid and direct when expressing her opinion. She will tell them what she thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don’t really want her opinion, don’t ask for it!


Marlina is a very emotional person with a broad range of emotions from the highest highs to the lowest lows. She feels emotional situations very strongly. She’ll flash to the very peaks of elation, sweeping everything before her. Then, for some reason unknown to herself, she will burn out emotionally. These mood swings can be very disturbing to her. Sometimes, she feels that she can no longer produce anything. But, after given some time alone to "recharge her emotional batteries", she will spring back into action. Because Marlina feels situations intensely, she relates easily to others’ problems. If she is not careful, when she comes into contact with someone who is in a depressed frame of mind, she will also suffer the same emotions and change moods. Marlina reacts impulsively, without much thought before hand. She may plan everything in detail before she even begins, then do it completely different when the time comes to carry it through. Marlina has a strong need for affection. She thrives on touching and being touched. Marlina desires being told that she is loved, every day. She enjoys being the center of attention. She loves attention, sometimes she even retells stories that got her attention earlier. Marlina has the possibility of being a actor or natural born salesperson, simply because she relates so well to other people. She likes expressing how she feels, what she is doing, and what she plans to do. She is a people person. She will work most efficiently in a people orientated job as opposed to a job working alone on an assembly line (that would drive her insane.)


People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially.  According to the data input, Marlina doesn’t write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

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Blank…kosong…

Monday, August 13th, 2007

I am happy this past few days..and i cant tell whether it is becouse i have so many things to do,it kept my mind of some other things..i did my presentation yesterday..such a relief..i finished the book by Dina Zaman i mentioned in my previous entry..i took my Vit C pills..there’s one thing that ive been putting off ever since last month…i need to find my faith again in life..i don feel right that i am happy..seriously…is this happy..or is this just a calming state,before its all started to crumble again…before my emotional health takes it plunged into the deepest..even deeper..its a lie if i said i’ve never been happy…but i’ve been really sad and miserable for quite a while…i dun really know the limit of a healthy happy-happy feeling..

Ironically,i figure,with the help of Dna Zaman in her articles..i suddenly find myself "ohh..ya loh…"

I started to be unhappy and miserable,when i put a goal..a serious one..that is..all i want to do and all i want to be is just that…just happy..i dun need to be the gold medalist,i dun need to get that HD,i dun need that Tan Sri,i dun need that big house big cars,i dun need all those to be happy..i just need myself,and my state of mind and i’d do things that makes me happy..not only here,now..but eternal happiness (heaven)..

And then,those series of unhappiness comes about..wave after wave after wave…i’m weakened by the unhappiness…until i lost my way of defining what makes me happy actually..what kind of happiness that i want..i’m who once so sure of what i want to do,when,how and all,fell into the shadow..i’m being unsure…and this is where i am now..i am as confuse,unsure,unhappy and lost as i have never been.

Dina wrote

" as you want to get closer to Him,He will reveal more hipocrisy"

"the more sad you’ll become.."

and i don’t really agree with the second one..but i think the first one sounds right..but i dont really know..i’m confuse kan..haha..

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I am Muslim by Dina Zaman..and The Coffeehouse…

Thursday, August 9th, 2007

Smile from strangers..pen-twirling enthusiast


i dun know whether im that bad in remembering faces..or life has
started to revealed what more it can offer to me apart form all those
bende2 yg tak best..haha..ader 2-3 org yg tidak dikenali senyum kat aku semalam and
almost uttered the word "hi!"..haha..memang lawak…aku bebrapa kali check zip seluar..kot2 la aku terlupa nak zip bebetul ker…check muka kat cermin kot2 ader calit2 hitam yg lawak ker..check tudung …sumer ok jer…i didnt even have Ahmad Dhani with me…(my camera usually attract alot of attention)

then one of my groupmates dgn begitu semangatnyer berminat sgt tgk aku twirl the pen with my fingers…alah yg pen pusing2 kat jari tuh..aku cam..aik…dak neh..terlebeh suker plak tgk aku buat..padehal bukan paper pon..huhu..tapi series..dah ler tu budak laki yg agak encem la..haha..

aku pon pelik
sendiri..haihhhhh…mcm ni la selalu..mcm nih la..biler aku dah nak
lari jauh2…dunia kejar aku balek..when i see there’s nothing to life
except misery(becouse misery presumably makes you a better
person)…nnt ader la bender2 yg tak disangka-sangka akan happen yg
bring back all those wonderful things …aku pon tak tau whether
aku terima pelawaan hidup sekali lagi..hhehe…so i reserve my judgement…and aku teruskan terhempap-hempap(jln dgn malas2) balek umah petang tuh..


I am Muslim

Few weeks earlier i recieved a book from my lil sis,Manar.She’s been talking about it for while of how interesting the book for me to read..but i just put in there on my table along with all the dvds i own..i didnt dare to read it..i didnt know how it would mnake me feel with all the tension and conflict going on in my mind..

 

Last night,i decide to give it a chance..i read it..

The title and humble cover is kinda an understatement of whats hiding inside those pages…

Its a book of compilation of article written by Dina Zaman..she’s a collumnist at NST..exploring the meaning and challenges of being a muslim in Modern Malaysia..
Dont get me wrong..this book is nothing like "Kenapa saya menganut agama Islam" karangan Fathi Yakan..totally different..and i love it!

I don feel so alone anymore..there’re real ppl out there(can’t imagine the exact face,yet it felt real),sharing the same problem..thinking along the same line..hoping and get frustrated over the same issue…i’m not alone..i got comrades..not that i want to say my other friends count little towards my life…but..it is such a comfort..i’m not alone..this fight isnt mine alone..i felt better..mark of how good it felt..i get up this morning not thinking,not calculating ,not debating anymore…of how i should i live today..just live and let live..heee..

My silent prayer

i made my first silent prayer before i go to sleep last night after a while..i just didnt  realised i was doing it till i finished it..one honest prayer dgn penuh harap..yeah..call me anything..its been a while i did that..the hopes are returning,i can almost feel it colors my smiles.

The coffehouse

Yahoo! radio station..hehe..i’m listening to it now -the Coffehouse..lagu dier  releks2 sajer..best untuk buat2 keje…and entah..mcm raser lebeh ringan kepala…nowadays i spend lots of time in Uni..in komp lab specifically..searching for info for assignments..seriously?..haha..yep..i start studying..i even try to do the tutorial questions yesterday..haiyoh…haha..

ehh…dah ler tulis2 kat sini..hehe..kene carik maklumat neh..papai..untill next time..
tentang soklan..
adekah aku akan terima semula pelawaan hidup?..hehe..lek lek dulu la yer…nnt2 la jawab…haha

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this is your life

Wednesday, August 8th, 2007

nak tau tak?
hahahaha…
tadi dlm tutorial aku lelapkan mata jer sepanjang sbb tader mood nak menyertai discussion seperti selalu…diam seribu bahasa…(yg ader pon aku terbersin kuat2(takleh bawak majlis!!!))this is the same tutorial where aku terlepas ckp "ouwww so sweet!" biler kiterang bincang pasal buyer bargaining power and the tutor mention about the school lect and tutor did do the bargaining on the textbook price..hehe..

tutor aku prasan!(ketidak semangatan akuh..)

and nak tau dier wat per?..terkejut beruk akuh…siries…haha..biler dah habes kelas,aku pon angkat kaki la..
dier kejar aku kat luar kelas..huhuhu..series terkejut dowh..
"i’ve been noticing your asleep during the class.Is there any problem or are you too tired?"..haiyoh….haiyohhh…aku pon ckp ler
"no…no..i’m just not feeling well"..huhu…memang pon..badan aku nih geng rapat ngan hati aku..biler hati aku saket,derita melarat,mulalah badan aku nak saket2..pening…headache..loya2..dan sebagainya..haiyoh…

pastuh aku pon terhempap-hempap jalan ker lab comp untuk online..and bukak laptop kat seblah untuk buat keje..sambil dgr MP3 la..
aku letakkn itunes dlm shuffle…then sedang aku tgh bacer2 pasal project’s beta(finance stuff) tetibe ader lagu kuarr..

"don close you eyes…this is your life"..aku cam..haiyohhhhh..
wake up call ke haper neh…hahaha..hehehhe..anyway lagu tuh dari switchfoot,tajuk dier thisis your life…hehe..

pagitadi pon sebenarnya malas sgt nak bangun…really dun want to open my eyes…then setelah berdebat dgn diri sendiri…i choose to live the life of today…hehe..esoknyer life..esok la aku fikirkan..hehe..pastuh…’
aku dapat dua smiles from somebody yg buatkan mata aku bergenang..sebak..hehe..semangat sket..nak hidup..

pastuh tgn gatal2..pegi plak check frenster my mistaken twin…hehe..jumpa plak bender2 yg menaikkan darah..menyedehkan hati..melaratkan duka keciwa sumer2 lah…haiyoh…pastu dah tulis entry untuk membalasnyer tapi…fikir balek..biaq pi la…sampai biler plak la nak habes..haiyohhhh…dah ler…dah ler…so i decide now to write a new one..hehe..

up and down and up and down and up…haiyohhh…penat dah ni oiii…sampai biler..ekk..penat dah neh..serious..

dah tak pandai nak berharap…dah tak berani nak meminta…takut sekali lagi terpukul dgn usaha yang tidak kesampaian..huhuhu..

aritu aku dah decide nak hidup..nampaknya aku kena la buat decision tuh hari2..lepas neh..hehe

ohhh..marlina..menyampah plak aku bacer entry ko neh..haiyohhh

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