LoudthiNker’s plaCe to Tell peoPle of HeR tHouGhts

Kak Laili cayang mucukk..
hehe,

for you.

Pemergian seorang lagi tempat bermanja..it was brief,our encounter,really..but i do enjoy being around her..like you could forget all the pressing problems looming around in your life..just for a while,when she cracked those unexpected jokes about something…hehe..she was an easy going person and i don’t think my road trips this year will be that enjoyable without her..hehe..she makes me look good(better) on camera,really..i look positively slimmer and taller,just becouse of the relative effect of our size..hehe..who wouldn’t want a friend like that ehh..kikiki..when i confide in her with something i think would make everyone eyes bulge and gasp in horror(well she did)..but she did it at perfect moments where i dont felt at all offended..(same goes to evryone i know,who knows about me)..

Kak Laili(kak Lyle as they all like to spell ur nickname)
I do hope i can get back home just in time to shoot your wedding..for free..hehe..but you have to personally made that raspberry jam sandwich for me..hehe..

bye..
Semoga jumpa lagi

I have a hunch that i should check the
Utusan website late this evening..
cut the story short,this is what i found
..an article written by God knows
who,and surprisingly it passed the
editorial board of this highly
circulated newspaper..

My comment

Skip the goddamn ridiculous details,
just chuck him/her in any hospital and
do a medical check up for God sake..DNA
test to the children if the need is that
dire..

Do we need to read,how did she/he manage
to get her/his wife pregnat..my God!

Malaysia and malaysian..come on la..i
thought i’m about to read about her
having psych problem or something of
that sort,but alas..i don’t even know
yet whether she’s a he or he’s a
she..wait,does that sound weird to you
or it is just me?

makeURL(”http://www.utusan.com.my/utusan/content.asp?y=2007&dt=0718&pub=Utusan_Malaysia&sec=Mahkamah&pg=ma_08.htm”,”eHNsL2J1bGxldGluLnhzbA==”);http://www.utusan.com.my/utusan/content.asp?y=2007&dt=0718&pub=Utusan_Malaysia&sec=Mahkamah&pg=ma_08.htm

Mohd. Soffian ghairah lihat wanita sejak
remaja

MELAKA 17 Julai - Mohd. Soffian Mohamad,
40 atau nama wanitanya Mazinah Mohamad
memberitahu Mahkamah Rendah Syariah di
sini bahawa dia mula ghairah melihat
wanita ketika berumur 15 tahun.

Dia yang menjadi saksi pertama defendan
berkata, perkara itu telah dimaklumkan
kepada ibu bapanya dan dia pernah
mendapatkan nasihat daripada seorang
ustaz mengenai hal ini.

‘‘Ustaz itu menasihatkan saya agar tidak
terlalu mengikut emosi. Saya ikut
nasihat itu selama dua tahun dengan
memakai tudung dan cuba bercinta dengan
lelaki, namun hendak (keinginan) juga
pada perempuan,” katanya.

Mohd. Soffian memberi keterangan
demikian pada hari kedua perbicaraan kes
pernikahan kaum sejenis antara dia dan
Zaiton Aziz, 43.

Mengikut fakta kes, Zaiton dan Mohd.
Soffian atau Mazinah telah dinikahkan
Imam Satu, Masjid Bukit Cina, Ishak Juki
pada Disember 2002.

Semasa pernikahan, ‘pengantin lelaki’
telah mendapat pengesahan sidang kampung
malah majikannya turut mengakui dia
bujang dan memiliki kad pengenalan
jantina lelaki.

Bagaimanapun, masalah timbul apabila
Jabatan Agama Islam Melaka (JAIM) enggan
mendaftarkan perkahwinan itu berikutan
aduan daripada pihak ‘suami’ yang
mendakwa jantina sebenar Mohd. Soffian
adalah wanita.

Mohd. Soffian turut mendakwa tidak
pernah didatangi haid serta tidak pernah
memakan ubat untuk menghalang kedatangan
haid.

Menurutnya, dia juga telah berjumpa
dengan pegawai di JAIM untuk mendapat
nasihat dan pandangan mengenai perubahan
yang berlaku kepadanya.

‘‘Saya turut memberitahu pegawai
berkenaan bahawa saya telah
mengandungkan seorang wanita dan alat
kelamin lelaki saya akan keluar ketika
bersama perempuan,” katanya.

Menurutnya, JAIM kemudiannya telah
mengeluarkan surat sokongan dan surat
itu telah digunakan untuk proses
penukaran nama dan jantina di kad
pengenalannya menerusi Jabatan
Pendaftaran Negara (JPN).

‘‘JPN kemudiannya telah meluluskan
permohonan penukaran butiran itu,” katanya.

Pasangan terbabit didakwa mengikut
Seksyen 11 Enakmen Undang-undang
Keluarga Islam (Negeri Melaka) 2002 dan
jika sabit kesalahan, mahkamah berhak
membatalkan perkahwinan tersebut kerana
bernikah sesama jenis

Painkillers by principal doesn’t kill the pain,it just hold the pain
hostage..when painkillers loses it strength,the pain will set lose and
ravage everything in its path,deadlier than ever…

Reign Over Me..I watched it just now..this movie..walopun jln ceriternyer tak samer dgn aper yg aku alami..tapi entah..aku..hmmm…

and i’m not sure its a good thing or not,that somehow…the pain come flooding back..Like a broken dam..

now,i can answer those question i’ve come to ask myself before.

"i’m not ok,all i did was numbing the pain."

Can a broken vase be repaired to hold the water for the flowers again…

I’m a broken vase,how do i repair myself.

Can this be mend?Can i be cured?

i don’t know how much longer i can stand this,how many times more do i have to go through this..i hope life just let me go..

Mari kita mulakan entry nih dgn sedikt cerita..hehe..

Aku ader tanyer fifi-kun haritu,what does he think about what i wrote here?
candidly he answered

"Best.Saye suke bace."

komen dari mulut patut ader insurance mcm dier tu,boley dipakai la kot..haha..aku tanya lagi

"apsal plak?"

(ececece..mcm komen awal tuh tak cukup lagi la..hehe..cam nak dgr comformation plak ngahahaha)

"sbb kak marlina cerite/tulis bende mcm tader selindung-selindung or belok2..straight to the point"

heh…jawapan tu buatkan aku sengeh2 dan terus terang mate(masa tu tgh stay up kononnyer la..untuk exam the next day)

aper ekk aku nak citer kali nih…

erm..okeh..tak lama sebelum nih,aku tiba2 menjadi rujukan beberapa rakan yang meminta pandangan..aku terkedu,terkejut la gak sbb,aper la yg derang nampak kat aku yg hampeh nih menyebabkan derang nak mintak pandangan..huhu..i think im the last person you should ask for opinion when you’re in a vulnerable situation,coz my blunt comments will sometimes hurt…

anyway,aku sedar apa yang aku buat tu maybe agak melukakan but aku sedia jadik org jahat dlm cerita hidup derang..coz sometimes you have to face some kind of opposing force in your fight for what you believe in or fight to find and keeping happiness in your life..and i’m happy being who i am..Telling things as it is..

Mungkin ader org salah paham dgn entry2 sayer sebelum nih yang menyebabkan dier raser saye org yg sesuai untuk diadukan masalah..hehe..jadinya let me tell things as it is,supaya mana2 pihak yg mahu mengadu masalah selepas ini tidak tersalah faham..

saya tak pernah berada dlm mana2 love relationship yg boleh dipanggilkan relationship..hehe..2 daripadanya hanya dari jauh dan yg terakhir ni,terpaksa ditamatkan segera diatas sebab tidak perlu dijelaskan secara panjang lebar..cukup la saye describekan sbg
"coz i saw the end before we begin.."(petikan dari Goodbye My Lover,James Blunt)

Some info about me

i consider myself as a good judge of character..(a good one,not perfect,remember this)..I love observing people..Usually in a group of people i will always know who’s into who..and all other stuff la yg berkaitan..saye bukan tunggul kayu yg tidak berperasaan jauh sekali unapproacable..but hehehe..saye akui muke saye nih look intense/serious/purposeful…bg org yg tak kenal,mereka menganggap saye nih garang dan sombong..nak kenal dgn saye senang jer..introduce yourself properly like we, human beings do..

when i can’t give you what you come to seek from me,i will tell you as such…and if i can’t be discreet(for obvious reason,that you’re not being clear too)..i will not encourage you..not at all any reflection of who you are,but i guess,masa tak sesuai or hehe..i have already had someone in mind..ngehngeh…(tetiba aku raser entry nih giler3 syok sendiri…ngahaha..lantak pi la..hehe..)

entahla..friends advice me to keep my heart open to new possibilities,but maybe i’m still dwelling in the past..kekadang raser bersalah gak push ppl away..but if i can’t give my whole heart into something,i will not try..i will not lead you into false sense of security,that somehow you’ve gain place in my life when in fact you don’t..not yet..

I’m not a person who do people a favour when my whole hearts not in it..So you’re well assured that,when i did accept you in my life,it is not sympathy,its not rebaounce or confussion,its the real thing…

but one problem…
hehe…

i’m not sure when i’ll be ready to let go of my past..
if i’m worth it,wait..
if not,
you’re free to find someone else..

Anger and frustration silih berganti sejak dua menjak ni..hish..siryes tader mood nak buat paper..nak pi melben pon cam tak semangat..huhu..baru kejap tadi -burn process failed-..geramnyer aku..tgh burn mp3 cd untuk bekalan perjalanan nnt..huhu..biler aku fikirkan duit yg bakal terbang2 nnt maser kat melben..huhu..mcm tamo pegi plak..kaka..apsal aku merepek tulis bender tak berpekdah seperti ini kat friendster nih..huhu..

aku marah..aku kecewa..raser cam dipermainkan oleh hati sendiri..nak kater dipermainkan oleh hidup tak adil plak bunyinyer..huhu..

1.kita tak tahu sebetulnya mana yg baik untuk kita..hanya Allah la yang tahu…
ok..then why hati aku salu nak sesuatu yg aku raser sgt best utk diri aku tapi tak dapat…then kawan2 aku tlg rationalized kan dgn ater yg mungkin apa yg kuta suka tu sebenarnya tak baik untuk kita..but then…why and why does my heart want it in the first place..adekah aku secara unconciously want something taht i can never get so as to be sad and miserable and not truly happy at any one time..huhuhu..so aku raser aku ni sedang dipermainkan oleh hati aku sendiri..

2.Ujian bukti kaseh sayang Allah..adekah Allah kurang bijak dlm merencanakan ujian kalo aku raser ujian2 yg aku hadapi nih berat..(ekk..sebelom pembentangan lebih lanjut saper raser aku whining and should ditempeleng beberapa kali ..adekah korang raser tak pernah terlintas perkara itu difikiran aku..haha..aku sajer nak whine..and whine..supaya kurang sket tekanan..ahaha..)..Allah Maha Bijaksana la,dier bg ujian yang cukup2 untuk aku berubah kepada sesuatu yang lebih baik..huhu..membuatkan aku sentiasa raser kekurangan..hohoho..to tell you guys the truth..kekadang aku raser aku nih budak baik..haha..i need to know that i’m good at something,i’m good,ive done good things..aku nak siket raser bangger dgn apa yg aku buat..agaknya tu la kot yg patut aku ubah..tapi aku tak nafikan..kekadang i hate myself so much raser cam tak layak untuk aper2..tak layak langsung pun nak kene cahaya matahari..siryes..usually biler attack2 mcm nih happen aku mesti dok kat bilik berbungkus dlm slimut..tido tido dan tido…huhu..so adekah ujian yg bertalu-talu tuh supaya aku nih jadik org yg bersederhana dlm berfikir atau mengendali diri..huhu..aku pon tak paham sgt sebenarnya aper yg aku ckp nih..ngahaha..kalo korang paham..tabik spring aku hadiahkan..(fifi..kat ko aku tamo tabik..haha)

3.Aku nak jugak2 bender yg sudah pasti sgt2 aku tak dapat…kekadang aku takot gak dpt bender yg selama ni aku tak dapat tapi tup tup dapat..hoho..mana la tau kot2 Allah nak biarkan dah aku yg salu merungut neh..ngahaha..ntah aper2 yg aku bebel kat sini..tapi lamer2 aku raser siket aman..dah tak panas hati ataupun nak jerit2 dah..(tapi still aku dah berazam,sampai kat Great ocean road nnt…aku nak jerit kuat2 sampai saket tekak..ahaha..)ader siket raser lega..haha..maybe jugak -burn process succesful-kat seblah nih..haha..

4.kenapa aku nak sgt bender yg aku tak dapat..
adekah itu memang bender yg aku nak sgt..ataupun sbb tak dapat tu la menyebabkan bender tuh sgt2 aku nak?..huhu..aku sekang penuh emosi terhadap mempertimbangkan persoalan nih..aku tak rational..so nnt2 la aku jawab soklan nih…ngahaha..kalo korang nak jawabkan pon takper..haha..

aku cam raser maser aku dah suntuk dah kat dunia nih..semakin hari aku semakin jauh meninggalkan tempat aku bermula..jauh dari segi jarak yg dilalui la kot..sbb aku raser perjalanan aku mesti bengkang bengkok,bolak balik..berundur..gohead gostand..sumer2 la…huhu..dan jugak semakin ekat dgn mati..nampak cam sejak kebelkangan nih aku mcm luper psl mati nih…buat sesuka hati..marah2 merungut bersungut sesungut sumer2 la..huhu..aku imbas balek tajuk2 tulisan pendek yg aku postkan kat blog yhaoo 360 and fotopages..raser cam entah saper yg tulis tuh..sekang nih entah saper yg tulis nih plak..haih…

maybe biler lihat th yg buatkan hati aku sayu sgt..aku ingatkan dah la segala derita duka nestapa yg aku hadapi dulu..maybe its the time untuk aku meraih mengecapi nikmat kebahagiaan diatas penderitaan yg lalu(ecececece) tapi tidak..ader lagi bender..ader lagi..huhu..saket lagi..huhu..adekah disebabkan aku terlalu yakin yg aku dah cured..then diberikan ujian..Ambek ko..adekah itu satu tander jugak untuk diri aku yg Marlina,ko nih mcm ni jer..tak berubah pon..

dah la aku dah serik nak gembira..sbb nnt berduka..so mai aku teruskan hidup dgn buangkan sumer harapan untuk gembire kat dunia nih sbb itu sumer sementara..aku kene buangkan matlamat bahagia didunia,sbb itu tak kekal,itu tak sempurna..ngehngehngeh…

dah la malas nak fikir2 lagi..lantak la aper nak jadik..

p/s jgn terpengaruh dgn penulisan diatas..penulis tidak bertanggungjawab jikalau ader pembaca yg terpengaruh..haha..

hmmm..the talk i have with Liz the other day..akhirnya terkeluar pasal the life after death..the believe in Supreme Being that we ask for so many things..happiness,wellbeing..dan dalam hak meminta,kita ada tanggungjawab..tanggungjawab yg bukan erti kata kalo ko berkerja ko dapat duit,tapi tanggungjawab dlm bentuk,kalo ko jalankannya,ko sendiri yg beruntung..

on one topic i asked for her opinion,she said,
"go for things that makes you happy,and i don’t think you will loose your faith if you choose to do that..you always still believe that God still there for you.."
on which my replies is
"What’s good about having faith when you didn’t embrace it all,whole,everything..

When you choose some of it and ditching some others..doesn’t it count as faith.Thats not faith at all."

She just "oh, yeah…" we went quite for a while..and then she blurted out..

"but this leave you with what? It will be hell living like that.You know this is not just this one case,a confusion or something,this is you.I dun want to put crazy idea in your head,but would it be possible if you.. i dun’t know.. stays and live here..so that.. y’know.."

"Well too bad la Liz.hehe.Look like this is what is in store for me.This is my test.I believe i didn’t suffer for nothing." i grinned..

but hell yeah..i’m suffering..He just know where to poke to sent me and my life flying all over the place..huhuhu..Sumer org ader ujian yg tersendiri,bergantung kepada kekuatan dan kelemahan..bla bla.

Right now,i just want to whine..ALOT..hehe..maybe after a few cry i’ll be ok..hehe
i always be ok in the end..just a matter of time..

Tadi Kak Mitra bagi tunujukkan aku satu doa yang sgt apliklebel(vocab form kak shahnaz) dgn situasi yg aku sedang hadapi..

But something happen recently yang membuatkan aku raser its better for me to just be miserable as i always been..Something thats really shake me..its quite subtle from other ppl’s point of view,but for me it carries a huge impact..since i’m trying very hard to recover,n actually started to feel that my smile and laugh not quite as phoney as it once were for some times..yet,its not good enough,"let Us put another test on you Marlina..see how you get out of it this time..hmm..let see..what else will make you damn miserable other than the things that still making you miserable right now..let US increase the dosage of the miserable drips you get everyday,shall we..because We sense that you are very strong,so We can’t be really settled until you died..let just put another one..if you can tolerate and still live we will constantly increase the dosage.Sorry..life’s like that.It sucks.too bad"

everytime i tried to rise above,adopt a different,better,positive view of life,there would always be something that will try to get me back to where i was again..that is being miserable..the harder i tried,the more urging become the force that suck me in back again intio the hell hole..

i casually said to kak mitra,that i’m not ready yet to start again,i still can’t let it go..i’ve been damaged good this time..this test..this one..i want to stay here,not moving…enjoying my time in this sweet misery specially destined for me..

when i’m ready,i will..try..yet again..until i repair the damage..until then..

p/s:siler bacer bebrapa entry lepas about my prediction that something bad will happen whenever i start to feel happy about life..it does happens..so hehe..too bad la kan..