LoudthiNker’s plaCe to Tell peoPle of HeR tHouGhts

ngahaha…usikan kak nani pagi semalam asek terngiang-ngiang kat telinga aku.

"kak nani tgk ko nih lain mcm jer semenjak dua menjak nih?"

just after kak laili komen on me being well dressed("amboih,semartnyer!")<–pakai vest dgn kemeja ala preppy

"what?maksud kak nani,apsal i selalu melawa jer,tgh bercinter ker?" aku tanya dier balek..

"ha’ah" kak nani jawab.

"bercinta?tak kot.malas nak fikir2 lagi bab tu.saya muda lagi kot"<–ayat tipikal mengelak soklan2 seiring dgnnya..

hahahaha..entahlah aper nak jaik ngan ko nih Marlina..

Aritu tgk greys anatomy(senang terpengaruh dgn citer kat tv ni)…bila Izzi cam mengeluarkan kata2 yg sgt menusuk kalbu kat Yang’s bachelor party yg -dush dush-setepek!

"You have that thing everybody else want.You can take it for granted,but lemme tell you if you didn’t,if you couldn’t be with the person you love,i guarantee that,hearing him promise you and love you and honour you and cherish you,no matter what.It will be pretty much what you can think about"

hmmm..pasal jatuh cinta..org kata takleh nak buat aper..dah terjatuh,bukan sajer2..ader jugak pendapat yg mengatakan,ader pada satu saat yg kita tanya balek hati,nak teruskan,ke nak resist this temptation…i pun tak tahu mana betul…
haha..as for me,when the temptation is weak,you sort of,
"tader paper,tader paper"
when the temptation is very high,
"God,i have to do something about this" holding to contain the rush of emotion  much as you can,so you wouldn’t fall..
While reconciling it with yourself asking and asking questions to your own heart..
"what is this,what is this feeling?" ask me
"i dunno…i dunno..i’m not sure..please i’m confuse" me answered..

not until i tripped and fall from the edge or being gently push by simple words of 
"i want you" even with no serius meaning from the other party

than i know it is love beating in my heart,not anything else..but,boy,its too late..
and there i was free falling without parachute..its wonderful i tell you having the gush of air whipping my face,hair,body,…

then having the other party said "i think i’m close to ‘falling’ too"…the other part of me suddenly grew wings and i am pretty much airnborne for a while..but the other part of me said "oh,shit..this got to be the trickiest test ever"

which way should i go..yg indah didepan mata,memang lama diidam..namun itu tidak kekal abadi..jalan benar yg  terbentang sgt2 menyakitkan…somehow,those few lesson i learn form past experiences and being with those ‘angels’ whispering the encouragement to strive for the real thing,yg kekal,yang lebeh indah,tapi dengan sedikit pengorbanan sekarang..and i imagine,the wings will eventually grew tired and old..so i refuse to fly with that wings..i choose to fall to the bottom and start climbing up the wall,to be where i was before i fall

so i said things like

If i know when i’ll die,i’ll just do whatever in my mind right now
Even i cannot give you true love,so i bring you to one.

that didn’t really help,

so i do some cruel things

i said some cruel words

when emotions being so hard to contained,at one point i give in..alhamdulillah by this time,the msg i’m trying to get accross dah sampai ke matlamatnya…i’ve burned the bridge,no crossing back

I took alot of time-out,being alone,thinking about action and consequences sejak kebelakangan ini.Eventhough,my niat and action berubah-rubah sepanjang proses itu,but alhamdulillah,in the end,it was just like i intend it to be the first time i decide to do something about it.

there’s  thoughts yang menguatkan tekad aku yang mana sehingga kehari ini keep my aim clean and clear,sajer nak bagitau,
aku orangnya yg buat sesuatu ikut gerak hati,if there’s choices to make,i will pause kejap and i will kinda..hmmm…"Allah,point me" and i’ll follow the choice yg terlintas kejap tu..
If i continue in doing what i want,i’ll probably lose that decision making tool.
then i terfikir,biler exam,biler dah duduk dlm dewan tu,i’ll pause and say "Allah,i have done as much as i can,just help me with my test"
and i imagine i cannot do that anymore,if i continue in doing what i want..and i cannot ask it for you too
then biler you saket,if i continue to do what i want,would i feel Allah’s help while i’m betraying His care?

so i choose to not doing what i want to do,but it doesn’t mean i hate you.i just cannot do what i want to do.

ye,aku sedang bercinta.belajar bercinta dengan setulusnya.kerana aku bukan milik mutlak diriku.dan aku tak pernah mungkin akan kembali atau berura-ura untuk kembali,kerana berjauhan adalah cara aku sayang kamu.dan kalo sudah rezeki,bertemu kita didaerah yg abadi,dgn izin dan ihsanNya.Ameen.

Entahlah,
semalam i went to class.when i was marking my attendance,there’s three consecutively blank box stared at me.i’ve been skipping class alot..much much more than previous semester.was thinking to apply for special consideration.but just the thought of it, sound silly
"Sir,is it possible to get special consideration becouse i was depressed?"
lagilah bunyik cam bongoks giler..haha..
God know how much i’ve been going through.Kalo dulu,biler aku tader mood,sumer org tau aku tader mood..SUMER ORG TAU..sekarang,lain plak perangai aku..

haha..tapi lama-lama aku fikir,this is my prob,mine and mine only..aku tetap kene tunaikan hak derang keatas keceriaan aku..sometimes being happy for others(no matter how sad you are inside) makes you happy too…but some other times makes you even more sad than before becouse of the mask you have to wear..SO BERAT…

entahlah,kekadang cam,tak tau caner nak bagitau org yg kita nak dier paham,kiter nih bukan sehappy yg kiter sedang tunjuk..tapi kita tanak plak jadik lebeh tak happy supaya org tau kita tak happy..kalolah depression nih bleh kuarkan symptom yg lebeh fizikal,seperti hilang satu jari ker,tetiber patah kaki ker,barulah org nak paham yg kiter sedang depressed..huhuhu..

kalo dulu ader jugak thoughts utk tinggalkan jer dunia nih..smoking(dah pon buat,dulu)..mcm2 bender lagila..but when you remember how much you’re hurting those who love you when you hurt yourself..you remember the teary pleading words  "please..please,stop.Why,how,you come to this.fine,u kater dah tak sayang diri,but please,i dun want you to be like this"….

u cam terkedu sekejap..and "ok,ok..i stop".."not becouse i am ok,but becouse i dun want you to be sad,i dun want you to feel guilty of what i’m doing"…

"Marlina,remember how much you think life is so unfair for you.why everything has to happened to you.Just remember,Allah sayang ko.kalo ko tak leh nak relate bender tu sekarang,sbb ko kater you dah tak rational,ingatla aku sayang ko." another friend said this..yg buatkan aku tergelak..sekarang,kawan tu pun entah kemana..entahlah maybe sbb saket aku nih tak sembuh2,dier pun jadik discourage..i dun know..atau aku tend to push ppl away when they start to get my door to open..i dun know..with my sarcasm,jokes,or plain cruel words.

entahlah..sekarang aku tak belh nak kata lagi aku nih dah stop feeling depressed ke tak…haha..tak brani nak kater,yay! aku dah ok..sbb nnt,few days after saying those thing,even to myself,ader jer bender lain yang happen yg bawak aku balek kedaerah yg tak best tuh…so aku betul2 tak brani..haha..

tapi one thing i want to tell the friend of mine yg hilang entah kemana..

"i dun feel your love anymore.sometimes,there are things that cant be cured even by the best doctors.i hope you never have a thought in your mind,you want to cure me.coz i just want you to be there,becouse i know nobody can cure me.i want you to be there,to hold my hand.to ease the pain.you’re no God and i am no angel.tunaikan hak keatas kata-kata mu.if you can’t,don’t go saying things that makes people believe and hope.i have ask you, some very heavy questions,and i’m asking you again.(i never give any song to anybody without i really meant it.)

Snow
Patrol Chasing Cars Lyrics

We’ll
do it all

Everything

On
our own

We
don’t need

Anything

Or
anyone

If
I lay here

If
I just lay here

Would
you lie with me and just forget the world

I
don’t quite know

How
to say

How
I feel

Those
three words,

are
said too much

they’re
not enough

If
I lay here

If
I just lay here

Would
you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget
what we’re told

Before
we get too old

Show
me a garden that’s bursting into life

Let’s
waste time

Chasing
cars

setelah ejek dan gelakkan fifi(asek citer pasal fifi jer ekk) sbb nangis tgk citer Qabil Kusyri,Qabil Igam,…semalam..haha..i’m paying the price la..haha..siap kuar air hidung sumer2..ngahaha….berdrama air mata..bengong..haha..memang..bengong..tapi..cheh..ader tapi2 lagi tuh..maybe sbb mental aku pun agak ta betul,tu yg bleh nangis gegiler,walopun kat tempat awam(bilik komp)..scene2 lain maseh bleh tahannn..menten jer…but biler masuk scene,mak derang terjepuk kat lecak…nangis2 dlm hujan tuh…ahaha…memang terus,dah tak ley tahan2 lagi..ngahaha..bengong la..

neway,korang,jgn isap dadah ok..tak kesah la,how crappy your life..don’t let it become crappier and crappiest…one thing led to another..sumer2 org pun terlibat..ngahaha..pesan kat aku sendiri sbb tendency to self-destruction nih masih perlu dikawal..

tapi aku rasa la..mesti lepas tgk citer nih,penagih akan kurang kat mesia..haha..sbb aper yg happen cam close ngan realiti..bukan dlm drama jer bleh happen..so maybe derang bleh relate..saper nak,kalo tak dpt kawen ngan awek cun sbb kene tahan reman..ngahaha..

itulah hidup ni kekadang tak ikut logik…and consequence of our decision and action didn’t follow a straight path,like we think it does..

Yeah,it sucks big time ok.Tapi memandangkan one way ticket untuk kedakapanNya belom compom lagi,aku takut nnt,jadik daging barbeque plak.
Kekadang rimas jugak sbb biler buat salah or nak buat salah,ader satu raser saket yg bring things back to reality.Constant aching.Dunno if everybody has it.

"Kamu bukan Tuhan,Marlina.Hukum menghukum bukan pada tangan2mu.Ye,dier memang ader buat salah,kamu pun bukan membantu dier supaya berhenti.Kamu lagi join dier buat salah,menggalakkan dier.Lupakan jer,dah la.Allah tahu semua.SEMUA.Tinggal kamu nak pegang janji2Nya atau tak jer.So amacam,nak stay jadik budak kecik mengamuk meratap satu episod kehidupan,ker nak jadik budak besar yg berjiwa besar"

Tentulah nak jadik budak besar yg berjiwa besar..but it sucks ok..it totally sucks..
from the start till the end,doing the right thing,sucks..

yeah,for now..but when you look back..there’s no regrets..dulu dah pernah buat kan..remember how cooling it was to look back in their faces and feel imensely proud of yourself for doing the right thing with them..apa bezanya sekarang,kan..

heeeeee..

I want to be the best in His eyes.Since I have the worst flaw,humanity can get,i hope by trying to be compasionate,patient and forgiving,i could buy a way to earn His Grace.
Kerana ibadahku lemah lagi cacat,kerana hatiku hitam berdosa,kerana aku tak mungkin layak untuk syurgaMu,Kasihanilah aku.Hanya belas kasihanMu.

When i was younger,i thought to love someone really much can be done by being there for them through thick and thin.Share the laughs and the tears.Look into their eyes when words are useless to say what you want to tell.Hold them close so both your hearts,beat on the same rhythm.Sit quietly alone together,just let the moment past by,enjoying every second of it.It was so easy loving someone like that.It is easy to smile and just let them let loose their anger to you even without no good reason.it’s easier to handle the nasty temper they have.It is easier.Coz it comes naturally..

The hardest part of loving someone is when you can’t love them,the way you wanted to.The hardest part is,to let go.

(Sambungan…sbb entry tergantung nih boleh buat salah paham)

When you have let go of anybody,you can put back their pics or things they previously gave you in any visible places,without any sad feeling or constant questioning of why can’t they let you in.Why can they give you what you want form them.

You just accept things as they are.

"So i can’t be the number one in my number one’s life,so what.I still have my number one."

"So i can’t give anything back to the one giving me the most,so what.I just have to enjoy what i get and be thankful for it."

"So i can’t be with the one i love,so what.Those who loves me always there for me.I just have to believe,I’ll get better one if i let go of the one i can’t be with and it is for good reason."

kikiki,

aku belum dpt recover lagi from the road trip ke blue mountain.asek dok flicking the pics back and forth..hehe..
mcm2 hal yg berlaku,yg kelakar,yg mendebarkan,yg menyamankan..
somehow,my need to be a perfectionist has been reduced quite considerably..haha..
sejak dari awal
1.masa nak amek keta-kene menyamar jadik kak laili,setelah satu episod pengakuan yg sgt,bak kata kak hani ‘mangkuk hayun’..hahaha
2."tertinggal barang"<—ngehehe..hush hush..
3.sesat jalan-sampai aku sendiri pening2,(sumer dah tau mana oxford street kan, sekang?)
4.direction from whereis yg takleh pakai(
5.nasik pizzahut
6.jimat $2.20 but end up pay $28(hebat tak hebat kitorang)
7.sampai tmpt yg paleng cantek tapi dah nak mlm.
8.masa pulangkan keta..(nampak jer terowong terus saket perot)
9.gambar aku mostly dlm posisi bertinggung<–kejam btol

tapi tader satu pun insiden kene dimuka masamkan atau being yelled at..or the i’m the one doing the yelling..

they’re just a bunch of ppl who know how to have fun and being so carefree about everything..unforgetable la…mcm trip masa kat Langkawi jugak..hehe..sampai 2 kali terlepas simpang ke rumah kak Own..pastuh gi teluk Datai<–paling takleh lupa..kahkahkah..

i learnt,the fun part of life is when things doesn’t go as one expected and things doesn’t always have to be perfectly planned to be so enjoyable..wanna have fun? just enjoy the ride..and lepak2 jer if something happen tak sperti yg dirancang..lek la,sap kok lu..

mari kita sebutkan nama-nama org yg bersama-sama roadtrip2 yg saya sertai
maznah,kak min,kak nami,fifi,kak laili,kak shahnaz,kak hani…u guys are awesome..terima kaseh sbb menolong serba sedikit saya menangani masalah saya yg too uptight sometimes..nnt kita pi jln2 lagi ekk..hehehe..

Winter hols roadtrip…dream team,nak pi mana?

for now,cinta saya,photography..boipren2 saya Ahmad Dhani and Hisham(ada 2 tuh,tak hengat!)

jarang sgt aku ader amek gambar dgn lelaki,apatah lagi just berdua jer..hehe..fifi-kun if you read this,smile…

Hanafi(panggilan manja-fifi, akhiran ‘-kun’ in japaneese,was added if we called someone who is younger than ourself) bersetuju mengikut saya to blue mountain when org lain mcm kurang berminat.then,kak hani join,diikuti kak shanaz dan akhir sekali kak laili.tak rancang pun nak pi naik keta,sbb kalo kami berdua(berdua denganmu~~nyanyi sket) saje yg pegi,kami naik train.tapi pada saat akhir,khamis mlm jumaat,sumer2 pon kompom pergi.(trip ari sabtu)itu sebab,fifi sorang saja lelaki didalam gambar dan ikut trip..trip yg penuh dugaan dan pancaroba..ngehehe..ekk aper sebenarnya aku nak ckp nih..haha..offtrack spt selalu hahaha..okeh,fifi was there bukan sbb kami berdating atau perkara lain..he’s nice and so sweeett,yes,but he’s a lil bro.itu sebab selesa amek gambar dgn dier..bender2 mcm nih kene ckp awal2,sbb baru2 nih tlh menyebabkan org salah paham walaupun tader pebender yg aku ckp mensuggest aper2..ngan fifi nih,saya sendiri asek ckp nak ngorat-nak ngorat,lagi bleh menimbulkan syak..so seblom paper,baik jelaskan keadaan..pastuh pasnih bleh jer gurau2 mcm bese seperti selalu…haha..tetap jugak nak berebut fifi dengan izatee..ngahaha..

disebabkan kepala aku ader siket bengong,asek ‘terjatuh’ dgn those i can never have..kita lupakan buat sementara waktu hal2 cintun2 nih..kalo macam Ally McBeal yg menemui the love of her life in the form of her daughter,and that old rock singer in Love Actually found out the love of his life is actually his manager(yet both of them continue to be straight guys)..maybe the love of my life,i get from my dearest sahabat(somehow the word ‘friend’ is not enough)..Alhamdulillah..
i’m learning to count my blessing..a long way before i master it,

Rashidah Abdul Rahman,

Jazakillah Khairon Kathira

disclaimer:entry nih berbaur emosi tak best..i’m pissed off..so kalo tamo geram after reading,jgn bacer..

aku pon tak tau,aku ni
budak jahat yg pengecut nak jadik jahat sepenohnyer
or
budak baik yg lemah nak jadik baik sebaik-baiknya

..who am i?

tapi sepanjang-panjang hidup aku,aku tak pernah berpura-pura supaya dianggap baik..so,kepala aku agak terganggu dgn komen seseorang yg aku nih berpura-pura sebegitu..
aku banyak la jugak ‘berlakon’ memainkan watak..
ader jugak keinginan supaya org anggap aku nih baek,
tapi never the two things together in one action..

raser nak pijak pun ader kepada empunya mulut/tangan..naseb baek jauh..hahaha..joking..but i wonder,aper la agaknya yg this dear friend of mine tell that friend about me,sehingga dier bleh sampai kepada judgement yg mcm tuh..but i have a feeling,that maybe dier sendiri yg jump into conclusion..i don’t know…huhuhu..

i think i need to make something clear here to si empunya molot/tangan.
I’m inconsistent or not persistant in pursuing my chosen aim on the matter on which you first getting to know me.Not that i’m providing an excuse here,but those things i have to do,the right thing to do,go directly against what my dearest desire.What i want is against what i should do.So,any one time,i’m inclined to one side more than the other.BUT IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT I BERPURA-PURA BAIK.ACTUALLY,I’M TRYING VERY HARD TO BE BAIK SINCE I’M NOT AS BAIK AS YOU.
i admit i have the major flaw in my heart/my self/my head and i realized it.but do you think it is such a good idea telling the whole world of that major flaw in the name of being honest-sehonestnyer.many will agree,that is stupidity.Giving the circurmstances,i only felt responsible/ethically right to provide every single details needed by the affected side so that both parties know the situation..

kalo saya nih jahat dan berpura-pura baik,you don’t even know that i’m jahat in the first place…kan?  the  other party know the jahat part of me,when i  bring it to their attention..would org yg berpura-pura baik akan memecahkan tembelang sendiri?use your common sense.

semakin aku tulis semakin aku saket hati..nak tau apsal,bender nih memang menyakitkan hati..yg sorang tuh pun aku raser nak pijak2 jugak..haha..tapi yg nih pijak2 sayang la..ahaks..

kalolah aku nih penjahat bertopeng,tentu aku maseh meneruskan semuanya seperti biasa,mengambil kesempatan,melayan dan dilayan..instead,the first step i took is to tell.sorry,i didn’t tell you.wait,why didn’t i tell you and the whole world? oh yeah,you’re not the one affected..

pasal berlakon tuh pulak,ye sayer mmg banyak berlakon sejak dua menjak nih..berlakon ceria,happy,tak kesah….pastu berlakon sbg insensitive bastard,e.g say "dah dah,tak payah la nak nangis2 menyesali diri" kpd org yg close at heart biler dier sincerely appologized..berlakon sbg unstable insecure controlling freak pun yer..(hehe..maybe yg nih, partly real)

saya tak pernah berlakon ke surau supaya org kater sayer baek,saya tak pernah berlakon menitiskan airmata biler terbaca ayat2 yg menyentuh hati..saya tak pernah berlakon baik dgn menulis bender2 ttg Islam dlm yahoo 360 atau fotopages..itu bukan lakonan..itu saya sewaktu saya kuat,itu saya sewaktu saya rasa aman..sekarang,saya tak tahu siapa saya,yg pastinya,saya tak sekuat dulu.

One last thing for sure,i’m writing this to do justice to the part of me who work so hard going through all of these.This extreme effort musn’t go unnoticed or worst,condemned by ignorant ranting rambling person like you..as a berpura-pura baik stuff..

Before this,i never answer to any bad things ppl wrote about me which is unfairly biased to their side as if they know EVERYTHING.This is the start of me accepting and appreaciating myself and what i do,implicitly and explicitly so.

Thank you.

and yes,this makes us nothing comparable.

i’m me and you’re you.i have better things to do than going backward in my self development.

Another day, another thing,
Just now,my feet decide to ‘eat’ the maggi mee i just bring out of the microwave.it sting.my quilt and its cover has been sent straight to the laundry machine downstairs.my room smell so much of megi kari..haha..

tetiba teringat the day i fell down,when decide to lari naik atas escalator yg turun ke bawah kat randwick plaza..masa tuh,my knee caps raser cam terburai kat situ,dgn malunyer..haha..pedihnyer..huhuhu..

then someone says "be careful"..walopun tgh menahan pedih tuh..rasa cam ilang sket saket..haha..it doesn’t really matter la pedih2,malu  sbb look like a fool..when there’s  actually someone doesn’t care about anything about you except your well being..
eventhough i know its a polite thing to say without any other meaning attached to it..somehow,i felt,evrything is fine and i felt loved..haha..yes,i’m still a kid who can’t help smiling when someone sent a msg or say something like this

"be careful.please.."
"marlina,budak baikkk kan?"

so tadi biler tgh saket tuh,i imagine getting the smss repeatedly reminding me to be carefull..heee..kurang sket rasa pedih..

"kind words can warms up a winter’s chill"
chineese proverb.

latest thing in my life

ngehehe

nak
tau tak?..hahaha..(bayangkan cara aku ckp nih)

Semalam
i went outside of malaysia hall to make a phone call.sampai kat trafiic light
tuh,i terperasan bulan sedang mengambang penuh tapi banyak awan2 yg dok
halang,so the feeling mcm seram2 tak seram la..haha..pastuh building yg
bertentangan tuh calour dier cam contrast the sky nicely(in my eyes)..so i went
back and get Mr.AD(Ahmad Dhani-my D80) and tripod,then start la shoot the
moon..mind you,kat traffic light tuh banyak kete kot lalu lalang,tapi sebagai
jurugambar,kita perlu tidak mengendahkan sumer itu..haha..aku pun
snap2,setting2,dlm berbagai posisi sehingga mendapat angle yg aku rasa agak cun
la giving the location..pastuh biler dah mcm banyak jer shot yg aku dah
amek,and bulan pon dah masuk cloud yg besar(malas nak tunggu)aku pun bungkus la
barang2..syok2 jer,tetiba ader dua bapak polisi(polis) dgn berpakaian seragam
dtg menghampiri..aku ingatkan derang wat rondaan ker haper,but rupanya derang
dtg sbb aku..seram tak seram..memula sbb aku tader idea langsung,aku pun lepak2
jer angkat tngn dan angguk.."hye"

pastuh
tgk aku dah siap2 bangun dan nak beredar,derang jln lagi cepat ke arah aku..aku
pun berenti la dan tercongok jap tunggu derang sampai..

aku
ckp la dgn muker slightly suprised gitu

"yes?"

"can
we ask you a few questions ma’am/miss(tak dpt recall secara tepat)?" abg
sorang tuh ckp..yg sorang lagi pergi the other side of me,cam nak kepong aku..

"ye…ah"aku
pun cuak la jugak..apsal lak nih..

"what
are you phototgraphing at?"

lega
sungguh hati aku..ingatkan aper la tadi..rupanya derang ingat aku tgh mengintip
org2 kat bangunan yg terdapat didalam gambar..dlm ati aku "cheh!perasan
nak mampos..tader keje aku nak ngintai ko..pirah mabuk" tapi aku ckp kat
pak polisi

"the
moon"<–intonasi yg mengsuggestkan "obviously!" sambil
menuding kearah bulan yang dah pun diliputi awan

pastu
aku ckp lagi

"what?!did
somebody form that building calls you guys to check on me,whether i’m spying on
them?" dgn nada "ek eleh"

sambung
lagi " Come on la,that is so paranoid"sambil sengih mengejek dan
geleng2 kepala.

terus
yg sorang tuh muka dier cam.."ye tak ye jugak" pastu dier tanya

"where
do you live?"

"just
next door"

pastuh
aku pun tentatively step away from them and  tanpa sedar,gelak kuat2
sambil ckp..

"that
is so paranoid!" ..ooppss..hehe..tutup mulut dgn tangan dan terus
blah..karang tak pasal2 kene tangkap sbb terlalu annoying..haha..